Things I learn from spending time with my ex

I spent time talking to my ex today.

My ex and I have a past. For years I tried to get him to change. For years I tried to convince him that I was right. I tried to tell him that he should be more of an adult, that he should hang out with different friends, that he should stay out of trouble. I tried to convince him to stop smoking, to stop drinking, to go to bed early and wake up on time for work.

He didn’t listen to any of it. He brushed me aside. We fought about it constantly. He thought I was trying to make him be someone he wasn’t. But I could see the person he was capable of being, and it was a person I wanted to be with.

But things ended.

I never got to see him be that person. He wasn’t that person in the end. He was wrong for me and I was wrong for him. We wanted different things and it ended in a violent outburst that was not only unexpected, but something the person I thought he was would have never done.

I’ve got a new guy and my future is not with my ex, but my past is. My current guy doesn’t think that. He’s jealous and worried when I spend time with my ex. But my ex was my friend first. He IS my friend. So why can’t I have both my ex (who is my friend) and my new guy?

My new guy has ambition. He has a great job, he owns his own business. He wants all the things that I want out of life. He thinks about our future. He makes plans. He makes promises and keeps them. He’s amazing. I love him.

It’ll take time.

Time and trust.

Someday soon I hope he can understand that it’s not about the relationship we had, but the friendship we once had. It’s not about what I wanted to be with him because that’s dead and gone. My ex is becoming someone else, and I hope that takes him down beautiful paths. I’m moving on, and I’m thrilled to see what that brings me. I’m excited for plans, promises, and a future.

I’m moving forward with my new guy, and life is beautiful.

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It’s a Good Week

This week has been the most epic week ever so far. It started on Sunday when I saw my best friend and her beautiful newborn baby. (I cried.)

Then today I was offered the most amazing job, and I accepted. (I cried again.)  It will allow me to move back closer to my friends. It will allow me to do the kind of work I absolutely love. It will allow me to spend more time with my friends and family.

My guy has news too, but he’s being secretive. Oh that man can be so frustrating, but I like him so much I just don’t even care. Sometimes I just wish he’d be a little more open with his feelings, but if that’s the worst thing I have to deal with… I’ll do it.

Oh that man makes me smile so big… and it never ends, that smile. I can be so frustrated and still smiling like a damn jack-o-lantern! Gah. How does he do it?!

I can’t wait to see him this weekend. It will bring the best end to the best week I’ve had in a long time.

I miss him

It’s terrible…missing someone you care about. The dull ache in your heart, the worry, the constant thoughts….

I miss him.

Although those three massive words have yet to be said, we both know what happens next. He cares about me and I care about him.

I miss his texts in the morning.

I miss his witty, sarcastic, smart-ass texts.

I miss the sweet texts too. The ones that have so much between the spaces of each word and phrase. The ones that tell me everything and nothing all at once. The ones that make me excited, and curious, and nervous, and so scared that I’m reading more into it than is really there.

I miss his goofy looks. I miss the way he makes fun of me. I miss the way his skin feels on mine. I miss his lips. I miss his arm in mine. I miss his fingertips.

I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m falling in this inevitable hole that is love…. and I’m not stopping any time soon.

I can’t wait until he’s home. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms and kiss him. I can’t wait to see his smile.

I miss him.

A Little bit of Happy

It’s been brought to my attention that lately my blog has been reflective, but doesn’t accurately describe the happiness which is currently in my life. For that reason, I would like to share with you a little bit of happy.

I’m so blessed to have in my life a man who makes me so happy. Last night my best friend and I were sitting around talking, and I could not get him out of my head! Now I’ve known this girl since I was 4 years old, and she hears close to everything about the people I date, my work, everything. She’s one my my best friends and she knows me so well. But she has never heard me talk about anyone the way I talk about this guy.

The best part about the guy I’m seeing is all the small things. He doesn’t buy me flowers or take me on expensive dates, but when he spends time with me I feel like the luckiest girl alive. I’ve never wanted any of those things anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is someone who let me know just how awesome he thinks I am and how lucky he is to have me around. This guy did it last weekend in 5 words:

“Thank you for being mine”

How can 5 words make me so happy?! I’ve dated lots of guys, and they all had one problem. They were all fatally flawed and doomed to fail. But this guy has me feeling like I’m living a romantic comedy movie. I feel like this may finally be my happy ending and the credits may roll at any moment instead of a star-crossed lover waiting for the end of the relationship. I’m totally twitterpated and it’s thrilling and oh-so-scary all at the same time.

The biggest reason I feel this way is that I’m always my complete and unadulterated self with him. Never have I pretended to like something which I truly don’t. Never have I had to make excuses or little white lies about how I feel about something. Everything I say to him comes with complete acceptance. Every strange thing I do is just how I am, who I am and what I’ve experienced that makes me uniquely me. I don’t have to wear a mask, I can just be 100% Jodi (which can be scary to others, I know that) and he enjoys every minute of it.

This weekend I went to spend some time with him. We had dinner and then went to see a movie. It was no big deal. It wasn’t tickets to the opera or five star dining. It was great food and a movie that I wasn’t all that into, but I got to sit in a dark theater for 3 hours holding his hand and being next to him. When I was cold during the movie, he gave me his coat so I could stay warm. He let me hold his arm as we walked down the street on the way to his apartment from the movie. Nothing that was a big deal to most people, but to me it was the most precious gift to be able to spend time with him because with him everything means so much more.

Just being close to him is a big deal because I know he has other things he could be doing. He has hobbies and friends. He works a lot. He has a lot of responsibilities at work, and I can understand that sometimes it’s hard to pull himself away from things he needs to get done at work, but he does it for me. He makes time to see me even though we live a good distance apart.

And in the back of my head there’s starting to exist this thought I’m not quite sure about committing to yet. That pesky thought that I may be falling for this guy, a feeling that has really snuck up on me. What if I’m falling in love with this man? Does he feel the same way? There’s always that awkward moment when you worry that you like someone more than they like you, but I don’t feel that way. I know that he likes me exactly as much as I like him, and it’s so comforting and so reassuring to know that I am someone so special to this guy. I love it. I’m so thrilled that I am important to him. To him, I’m a huge deal and he’s just as honored to spend time with me.

So I’ve been keeping it to myself what I’ve been feeling because I’m so scared that if I utter those words out loud it will scare him away. I’m scared that if I say it, it’ll all fade away. But last night talking with my friend it all came out, and she instantly said “I knew it! You really like this guy! You’re falling for him!” and I was ok with it. It wasn’t something I didn’t already know in my own head, it was just the fact of how I felt. And now it’s public on my blog… which is even more scary because what if he reads it!? (Oh god!) But I really don’t care because I think he already knows.

He showed me where he works. Not just “this is the office building I work in”, but he gave me a full tour like a proud papa would show off a new baby. He showed me his office, and the full building, and he was proud to do it and it made him happy to share it. I was just impressed. And not just because he has so much more responsibilities than what I do (we work in the same field), but that he allowed me to see what he does when I know his job is such a huge part of his life. And he wanted to share it with me, which is a big deal!

But I’m waiting to see where this life takes me and to see what happens next, and I can’t wait. I’m anxiously awaiting our next date as the days pass. With the holidays I know I will have to be extra patient, but I’ll gladly wait as long as it takes to see him again. I hope he feels the same way about me. I hope he’s just as smitten as I am. I hope he pictures our future together. I hope he is curious to see where our path will lead together. I’m not talking marriage and I’m not talking having children, but just this life and what experiences we’ll have together. I’m so excited to see what happens next, it’s like reading a book and wanting to turn the pages extra fast so I can get onto the next page as fast as possible!

And I hope he is falling in love with me because that would just make me so happy.

Sometimes I forget to sit back and really appreciate all the happiness I have in my life, but this is definitely one bit of happiness I’m so thrilled to share with all of my friends. I have my moments where I’m sad, and where I think the world isn’t fair, but then I have moments like this which make all the suffering in my life thus far seem so far away and so worth it for what has brought me to this exact moment with this amazing guy because if I hadn’t experienced all those things, I wouldn’t have been right where I needed to be for all of these pieces to come together and for this to be my little bit of happy. Maybe it will turn into a lifetime of happy. I’m not sure yet, but I’m enjoying it for now.

Two Months Later

It’s been two months since my ex and I broke up. Being friends isn’t exactly working. It’s weird and awkward. There are moments where I want everything to be like it used to be. Every once in a while his eyes catch mine and I get a glimpse of what once was.

But then I hate him. He does or says things that just make me hate him. It’s incredibly frustrating.

But I know it can’t be. I’m seeing someone new. I’m moving on. I’ve come to the realization that the man I fell in love with is gone. He’s not that person anymore. He’s not a carefree hippie whose hair falls into his eyes and whose eyes sparkle when he laughs. I don’t like who he’s become. We can’t be together anymore and it breaks my heart.

My new guy is everything he wasn’t. He’s smart, handsome, funny and very professional. He’s got goals and dreams. He doesn’t make me wait. He truly cares about me. I really like him.

When my last relationship ended I thought there was no way I could ever let anyone in again, but slowly I’m letting him into my life and into my heart. I’m putting myself out there in the hopes that he won’t break my heart. I’m telling him about myself in the hopes that he’ll accept me and so far he has.

We’re getting to know one another. We’re learning about one another, about one another’s habits, families, where we come from and where we’re going. We’re sharing our hopes and dreams. We’re learning what the other wants and what we enjoy or don’t enjoy. We’re spending time at romantic dinners and walking arm in arm down the street.

There’s no better feeling in the world.