So I went today for a Shamanic healing. What is Shamanic healing you may ask? It’s a alternative therapy which is thousands of years old intended to heal the wounds of the soul, remove ties from negative energies and sever soul contracts.
Basically to some people it’s mumbo jumbo.
But I read about it and I decided it would be helpful given my traumatic past, given all the hurts I’ve endured in my life. What could it hurt?! So I went, I was skeptical, but I did believe that this was something I needed. I need my soul to be healed. I need closure from those who have hurt me. I need a deep and meaningful spiritual healing of my soul. Ever since my breakup in September I’ve not felt like myself. I’ve felt somehow altered, but unable to determine why or how to fix things.
So I went.
The experience was incredible. It was very hard mental work for as much physical activity as it was (I basically just sat and later lay there). It was incredibly emotional for me. It brought up feelings I thought were too far buried to reach. It drug them all out into the light, and once I could see them, I could deal with them. I cried. Oh my god did I cry so hard. I lay on the table sobbing as I reached deep into my soul and cut the ties I had to my ex. I love my ex. He’s an amazing person, and he deserves all the wonderful things in the world, but he and I are not meant to be. I needed to cut that cord, and I did.
It was a strange experience to describe to someone who has never felt their soul so deeply. I’ve never been that deep into my subconscious. I actually felt like I had moved out of my body and my soul was still connected to my body, but was in a completely different place. I could still feel my body, but I couldn’t move it. It was just a body, no beautiful spirit within it at that moment.
And in that moment where I was so far from my body, I saw it, a glimmer of white light, my soul. My tender, vulnerable and raw soul. It was connected to Matt. He was connected to me by a silver cord. Together we were dragging each other down under the water of all the emotions we had once felt together and I knew what I had to do.
I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt. I wasn’t prepared for the wound I would feel open when I cut that connection. I wasn’t prepared for the fear that came. But I let myself feel it. As I lay there I felt the hurt, the fear and the pain wash over me. I felt that fire of emotion consume that connection and burn it all away. I felt the tears rushing down my face as I watched the wound heal up. I poured my healing light on that wound and watched as it faded away. And even the very second I did it, I knew what I was doing was a good thing. I knew it was what was best for me. And as much as it hurt, as much as I was scared, I did not hesitate.
In some part of my mind I wondered if he felt anything as I did it. I wondered if he felt a nudge of the pain I felt as I cut that connection. In my mind he felt his burden lift too. As I watched myself cut the ties that bound us together I felt him sigh a sigh of relief too.
Afterwards I said intentions to have a healthy life and to keep moving forward. I said aloud what my heart wants so badly. I have never meant words so deeply as those words. I finally understood what I want in this life and I have conviction that I will achieve it.
As we finished, the practitioner asked how I was feeling, and I didn’t feel any different. I felt emotionally drained. I felt like I’d just experienced a loss, but the same as I had when I arrived this morning. Then I stood up to leave and I realized that I felt like I weighed about 50 pounds lighter.
For so long I had been carrying this burden on my shoulders. I had been trying to hold Matt together when I was falling apart myself. All of a sudden that weight was lifted and I was free. The pure joy which came over me next far exceeded anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I just felt more “me” than ever before.
I describe it in this way: I was a candle with a glass hurricane, but the hurricane was all covered with soot and ash. It was blackened and dark. The hurricane was there to protect the flame from going out, but the light also was affected. The light was very dim. The room was dark and no one could see. After I felt like that hurricane had been removed. I was exposed, but I was so much brighter. I lit up the entire room with a beautiful golden flame. Finally everyone in the room could see my light. Finally I was exactly who I am, no more and no less, no occlusion. No darkness could touch the light I was providing.
I continued to feel this way for the rest of the day. When I got home there was a letter from Matt. Before this would have sent me into tears. Before this healing it would have triggered a trauma, the wound would be reopened and I would have hurt. I read the letter, it made me laugh instead. Did I miss Matt? Of course I did. But the emotional ties which had previously been there were gone. I missed him but the hurt wasn’t deep like it had previously been. I got a little choked up at the fact that he used our nickname for me, but all in all I considered my reaction about 120% better than the last time.
I know that this healing will be a process for me. I know that just because I feel this way now doesn’t mean the hurt is completely gone. I know that part of me will always love Matt, but that it’s in a friendship. I know that the work I’ve done on my soul today isn’t going to make my life completely changed, but it has completely changed me. It’s completely changed the way that I look at the world.