Stages of my motherhood

Grew up wanting to be a mom when I grew up
Raising other people’s kids as a childcare provider for 12 years
Matt’s mom telling me I don’t know anything because I’m not a parent
Nannying for a baby I spent more time with than her own parents
Watching my high school friends have kids
Marrying a man with children
Caring for his children more than he did
Trying to get pregnant for 9 months unsuccessfully
Friends and family asking when we were planning on having a baby
Being abandoned by that man and losing those kids
Moving away and never seeing the kids again
Finding out he impregnated two women in 6 months after we separated

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Thinking I was infertile and unable to have kids
Watching all my friends have babies
Dating a man who was sterilized and giving up the idea of ever having kids
Dating a man with teenage kids who was also sterile
He cheated on me and I never saw his kids again
Dating a man with children
Being a stay at home parent for 10 months
Breaking up with him because he didn’t want any more kids and losing those kids when they moved to North Carolina
Watching my sister suffer 14 months of infertility treatments
18 pregnant friends in one year
Supporting my sister through her pregnancy
My sister not calling me when she went into labor
Watching my friend get pregnant unexpectedly when she couldn’t afford the kids she had already
Watching my sister through her second pregnancy
Watching my nieces while my sister worked
Dating a man who was unable to impregnate me with serious commitment issues
People telling me “it’ll happen some day” or “God/the universe has a plan” or “you’ll be a great mom one day” or “it’ll happen when it should” all the time
Learning my ex who didn’t want more kids had another baby
Watching my friend have another baby she can’t afford
Turning 35 and knowing any pregnancies will be high risk
My co-worker decides to try for a baby and gets pregnant right away
My ex husband tells me his girlfriend died and left him with 5 kids
Helping raise my nieces despite how much it hurts
Giving up on having kids
Telling someone I don’t have kids and don’t know if I ever will

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF-nZziUCCY

In the words of Katelyn Tarver:
I know you’ve got the best intentions
Just trying to find the right words to say
Promise I’ve already learned my lesson
But right now I wanna be not okay
So tight sitting here waiting
If I hear one more “Just be patient”
It’s always gonna stay the same
So let me just give up
So let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me
Well I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice
Or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
Can’t stop this me from sinking
And starting a show on me
You’re staring while I’m blinking
But just don’t tell me what you see
I’m so over all this bad luck
Hearing one more “Keep your head up”
Is it ever gonna change?
So let me just give up
So let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me
Well I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice
Or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
Don’t look at me like that
Just like you understand
Don’t try to pull me back
Let me just give up
Let me just let go
If this isn’t good for me
Well I don’t wanna know
Let me just stop trying
Let just stop fighting
I don’t want your good advice
Or reasons why I’m alright
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know
You don’t know
You don’t know what it’s like
You don’t know what it’s like
Songwriters: Andrew Fromm / Daniel John Muckala / Katelyn Tarver
You Don’t Know lyrics © Wintergone Music, Copyright Control, Katelyn Tarver Publishing, REACH MUSIC PUBLISHING OBO KATELYN TARVER PUB

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