Choose your words with love

As I preach over and over and over again, the world does not have enough love in it anymore. People don’t truly care for one another. There’s too much entitlement, instant gratification and apathy. People just don’t give two shits about others unless it directly benefits them.

Case in point: businesses which “go green” for the marketing value. People who perform random acts of kindness only to publicize it on social media…those are supposed to benefit the person receiving the act of kindness, not the person doing it. By publishing it, it’s selfish. (Yes, I’ve listed what I do for random acts of kindness before. That wasn’t to gain publicity, it was to give others ideas. There’s a difference.) People who donate to a charity to have their name on a plaque. Puke.

There are certain words which no longer belong in modern society, and tonight someone used one with me. The end result was a rather large argument in which the person actually thought I may disown them. Yes, it was that bad. I take this seriously.

It was “The N Word”.

There are very few words in the world which I have issues with, but racial slurs are the absolute worst words a person can use. When someone uses a racial slur, it’s not “just a word”. It’s insulting, disgusting and rude. This word is not separate from the hundreds of years of oppressing people based on their race by use of this word to mean that they were less of a person. It’s not just a word rappers use in reference to their friends regardless of the spelling. It’s a degrading insult which I will not stand for. It’s disgusting.

There’s others.

Retarded. Retarded is a word I wish would just disappear. It’s almost worse than a racial slur in that it insults people who are mentally challenged. Really?! I’ve known many people with lower cognitive function and the people I know are beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and kind people. They know facts you never knew you needed to know, but they just told you just now. They are some of the most loving people I have ever met. They do not deserve to be insulted by your ignorant words. People are not retarded. People can have cognitive problems, downs syndrome, or a disability, but they are not retarded.

“That’s gay” is another phrase I will not stand for. By using someone’s sexuality in place of the word “dumb” or “stupid” (which are also words I very rarely say because they are also cruel) it’s insulting to every person of that sexuality. You’re saying that gay is synonymous for stupid. If that isn’t what you mean, then don’t say it! There was a recent media focus on this phrase, and I think it has finally been eliminated for the most part.

I’d love to see a world in which people are respected, loved and treated as equals. We’re all members of the human race. Who gives a fuck what factors divide us?! We have skin, it doesn’t matter what color. We have thoughts, it doesn’t matter how many. We have feelings, it doesn’t mater what kind, they are acceptable. No person on this planet is more deserving than another. Not everyone gets what they want nor do they always get it in the timing they want.

I’m all for celebrating diversity, but in the belief that we’re all special and unique. No one is the same as anyone else. This isn’t to emphasize matters which divide us, but to splendor in the fact that although we are all human, we are all individuals and should be treated as such and not by some blanket policy or practice.

It’s time we set aside these thoughts and think more clearly about where our planet is going. We need to stop dividing this planet based on national origin, religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation or any other factors. Let’s band together and spread more love. Let’s take care of those less fortunate who need help. Let’s give aid to those who need it whether that’s financial, physical, mental or emotional not because they “earned” it but because it’s the right thing to do. Let’s be kind and generous to one another not because of religious doctrine, but because it’s what decent human beings would do.

Let’s spread more love in this world and think about our words. Let’s eliminate hateful words with no purpose but to wound others and cause division. So I challenge you, if you’re using any of these words, stop. There’s so much hate already in this world, please don’t perpetuate it further.

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“Mumbo Jumbo” Healing Works For Me

So I went today for a Shamanic healing. What is Shamanic healing you may ask? It’s a alternative therapy which is thousands of years old intended to heal the wounds of the soul, remove ties from negative energies and sever soul contracts.

Basically to some people it’s mumbo jumbo.

But I read about it and I decided it would be helpful given my traumatic past, given all the hurts I’ve endured in my life. What could it hurt?! So I went, I was skeptical, but I did believe that this was something I needed. I need my soul to be healed. I need closure from those who have hurt me. I need a deep and meaningful spiritual healing of my soul. Ever since my breakup in September I’ve not felt like myself. I’ve felt somehow altered, but unable to determine why or how to fix things.

So I went.

The experience was incredible. It was very hard mental work for as much physical activity as it was (I basically just sat and later lay there). It was incredibly emotional for me. It brought up feelings I thought were too far buried to reach. It drug them all out into the light, and once I could see them, I could deal with them. I cried. Oh my god did I cry so hard. I lay on the table sobbing as I reached deep into my soul and cut the ties I had to my ex. I love my ex. He’s an amazing person, and he deserves all the wonderful things in the world, but he and I are not meant to be. I needed to cut that cord, and I did.

It was a strange experience to describe to someone who has never felt their soul so deeply. I’ve never been that deep into my subconscious. I actually felt like I had moved out of my body and my soul was still connected to my body, but was in a completely different place. I could still feel my body, but I couldn’t move it. It was just a body, no beautiful spirit within it at that moment.

And in that moment where I was so far from my body, I saw it, a glimmer of white light, my soul. My tender, vulnerable and raw soul. It was connected to Matt. He was connected to me by a silver cord. Together we were dragging each other down under the water of all the emotions we had once felt together and I knew what I had to do.

I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt. I wasn’t prepared for the wound I would feel open when I cut that connection. I wasn’t prepared for the fear that came. But I let myself feel it. As I lay there I felt the hurt, the fear and the pain wash over me. I felt that fire of emotion consume that connection and burn it all away. I felt the tears rushing down my face as I watched the wound heal up. I poured my healing light on that wound and watched as it faded away. And even the very second I did it, I knew what I was doing was a good thing. I knew it was what was best for me. And as much as it hurt, as much as I was scared, I did not hesitate.

In some part of my mind I wondered if he felt anything as I did it. I wondered if he felt a nudge of the pain I felt as I cut that connection. In my mind he felt his burden lift too. As I watched myself cut the ties that bound us together I felt him sigh a sigh of relief too.

Afterwards I said intentions to have a healthy life and to keep moving forward. I said aloud what my heart wants so badly. I have never meant words so deeply as those words. I finally understood what I want in this life and I have conviction that I will achieve it.

As we finished, the practitioner asked how I was feeling, and I didn’t feel any different. I felt emotionally drained. I felt like I’d just experienced a loss, but the same as I had when I arrived this morning. Then I stood up to leave and I realized that I felt like I weighed about 50 pounds lighter.

For so long I had been carrying this burden on my shoulders. I had been trying to hold Matt together when I was falling apart myself. All of a sudden that weight was lifted and I was free. The pure joy which came over me next far exceeded anything I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I just felt more “me” than ever before.

I describe it in this way: I was a candle with a glass hurricane, but the hurricane was all covered with soot and ash. It was blackened and dark. The hurricane was there to protect the flame from going out, but the light also was affected. The light was very dim. The room was dark and no one could see. After I felt like that hurricane had been removed. I was exposed, but I was so much brighter. I lit up the entire room with a beautiful golden flame. Finally everyone in the room could see my light. Finally I was exactly who I am, no more and no less, no occlusion. No darkness could touch the light I was providing.

I continued to feel this way for the rest of the day. When I got home there was a letter from Matt. Before this would have sent me into tears. Before this healing it would have triggered a trauma, the wound would be reopened and I would have hurt. I read the letter, it made me laugh instead. Did I miss Matt? Of course I did. But the emotional ties which had previously been there were gone. I missed him but the hurt wasn’t deep like it had previously been. I got a little choked up at the fact that he used our nickname for me, but all in all I considered my reaction about 120% better than the last time.

I know that this healing will be a process for me. I know that just because I feel this way now doesn’t mean the hurt is completely gone. I know that part of me will always love Matt, but that it’s in a friendship. I know that the work I’ve done on my soul today isn’t going to make my life completely changed, but it has completely changed me. It’s completely changed the way that I look at the world.

Rebuilding

So last I had written something, everything had fallen apart. I’m better. I’m good. I so totally appreciate my readers who have encouraged me to give them an update.

So I started a new job a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely love it. I’m helping people. I’m making a difference. I’m giving women who need it the most some encouraging words during one of the most difficult moments of their life. It thrills me to be there to listen and support them emotionally.

I’ve been seeing a new guy. I’m trying not to get overly excited about things, but he’s tall dark and very handsome. I like him a lot.

Life moves fast, I’m just here to enjoy the ride and hang on tight!!