New Year’s Resolutions

For those of you who know me personally, my New Year’s resolutions are a source of never-ending amusement. You all know how hard they usually are as well as how hard I work to achieve them. I’m not one of those “join a gym and quit three weeks later” type of resolvers. In fact, in 2014 my New Year’s resolutions led me to run 20 5K races (my goal was 10 but I couldn’t stop!), lose 25 pounds and take up a hobby I love, horseback riding. I also make a “word of the year”. This is something which keeps me motivated throughout the year. It’s something I started in 2014 after talking to a couple of people who do it. I really liked it so again I will be finding a “word of the year”.

Prepare 

 

As some of you remember, the word of the year last year was “prepare”. This word was posted both at home and at work. It kept me motivated to prepare for races, prepare for new adventures, and prepare for wherever life took me. My original hopes were that I was preparing to have a baby in the not-too-distant future, but that turned out to be one goal I would be unable to meet in 2014. Oh well, I wouldn’t be where I am without 2014.

So let’s look forward to 2015. I hope to run more 5K’s. My goal is to run another at least 10 5K races-I’ll probably end up doing more than that-and a 10K race (probably towards the end of the season, but I hope to fit it in this year). I also hope to run the Bix 7 in Davenport this year. Running the Bix has been something I’ve strived to since I started running back in 2009 while living in Davenport. It’s a HUGE race and people from all over the US (and some internationally) come to do. I’m looking forward to it, but I know it will be one of the toughest challenges I’ve ever taken on. I’ll be thrilled just to finish. The 2015 date is July 25th. I’m also hoping to get my 5K time under 30 minutes. I came close this year with one race, I made it in 33:36, so 30 minutes shouldn’t be too much of a stretch, especially if I eventually get back to training every day like I hope.

New Image 8

From a costume run I did in October 2014.

I was the Cheshire Cat.

I also try something new every year. This year I’ve set my sights on belly dancing. My midsection is something which has been a struggle for me for years now. I’m getting closer to confident about it, but still a long ways off. I’m hoping that this will not only build my confidence, but I’ll gain some awesome new dance moves in the process. I’ve found some classes at the local community college and hope to find someone to do it with me, otherwise I guess I’ll do it alone and maybe meet some new people. I’m thinking about starting with a 4 week session and seeing where I want to go from there.

I also plan on trying more outdoor things this summer. Last year I was outside a lot running and walking. This year I would like to do more outdoor things like fishing, camping, swimming and hiking. I’ll still hate sleeping on the ground and I’ll still be eaten alive by mosquitos, but maybe I’ll like doing it in the right company. I’d also like to travel at least one place I’ve never been before, even if it’s a city nearby.

My word of the year is a tough battle. Each time I try to think about what I want to focus my life on for the year, I’m torn because there are so many awesome words which I could use! The one I’ve finally settled on is:

“EXECUTE”

 Since last year I was preparing, this year I plan to execute things I never would have done before. I’ve spent the last 32 (and 1/2) years of my life preparing for things to happen, and I’m ready to make them happen. I’m sick and tired of sitting around and waiting for things to happen. I’m ready to do things instead of plan, and execute instead of preparing. I’m ready to take the bull by the horns and get what I want. There’s no one in this world that is going to get it for me. I will execute all my goals with precision and determination and I will not fail. I will succeed just by trying.

(Please note I’m executing ACTIONS and not PEOPLE–a necessary distinction

A year is a long time to do all of this, and I have confidence that I will accomplish it all. By the next time December 31st comes around, who knows where I will be? A lot can happen in a year, I know 2014 has proven that to me for sure!

So here’s to a year of success, of trying new things and enjoying old (good) habits, of eliminating the bad habits, of failures and lessons learned and to a new me in 2015. I hope you all will join me on this journey and as always, I’d love to hear about your resolutions, goals and dreams for 2015 so feel free to comment them below!

New Year 

 

Happy New Year to you and yours.

I miss him

It’s terrible…missing someone you care about. The dull ache in your heart, the worry, the constant thoughts….

I miss him.

Although those three massive words have yet to be said, we both know what happens next. He cares about me and I care about him.

I miss his texts in the morning.

I miss his witty, sarcastic, smart-ass texts.

I miss the sweet texts too. The ones that have so much between the spaces of each word and phrase. The ones that tell me everything and nothing all at once. The ones that make me excited, and curious, and nervous, and so scared that I’m reading more into it than is really there.

I miss his goofy looks. I miss the way he makes fun of me. I miss the way his skin feels on mine. I miss his lips. I miss his arm in mine. I miss his fingertips.

I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m falling in this inevitable hole that is love…. and I’m not stopping any time soon.

I can’t wait until he’s home. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms and kiss him. I can’t wait to see his smile.

I miss him.

Reading Between the Lines

So as you all know I’ve been dating this new *cough amazing* guy, and I’ve been thrilled and over the moon with him. But he’s certainly not perfect. There are things he does that drive me absolutely bonkers!!!

For example, his sarcasm can go too far. One of the first dates we were on, I drove to see him (it’s about a 2 hour drive). I was happy to do it because he’s worth the drive. So we had planned to go out to dinner, he was going to show me the town and we’d have a few drinks. I brought an overnight bag because I wasn’t about to drink then drive 2 hours when I was drunk and tired back to my place.

During the middle of dinner he asks “So what are you doing after dinner? Are you driving home or are you staying to have a few drinks with me?” I said that I was staying and thought he was just being goofy. Later he says “No I’m being serious. You can’t stay tonight. I have stuff to do in the morning.”

I attempted to remain calm, but inside I was FURIOUS! How dare he ask me to drive 2 hours, take me out for drinks and then expect me to drive home?! What kind of asshole am I on a date with?! “I thought I was staying at your place tonight.” I said calmly, but I knew my eyes told the entire story of how angry I was.

He went on letting me believe this (and be furious) for a few minutes (like 45 more minutes) before letting me off the hook! “Well, I guess you can sleep on my couch.” *SMH* I was nearly in tears.

He has other flaws too. He’s very hard to read, especially through text message. He has the tendency to say something and I take it the wrong way. He doesn’t always reply within what I consider a “reasonable” time frame and I tend to get frustrated. He sometimes says things which drive me crazy.

But all in all so far we work it out. I’m learning better how to take him as sarcastic all the time. He’s learning just how silly I tend to be about things and not to go too far with his jokes. I’m learning that things which are not a big deal to me can sometimes be a big deal for him. All the usual relationship things.

I have high hopes for this guy. I really do.

Just hope he can hang in there with me.

I’m also hoping I can better learn how to read between the lines.

And now it’s time for the airing of grievances!

Festivus is a holiday made famous by the show Seinfeld. If you haven’t seen it, you seriously need to. Go do that right now and then come back and read this post.

Ok, so now that you know what the fuck I’m talking about, it’s time for the celebration of Festivus to begin with the airing of grievances!

1. People who bitch about their kids. Please. I know it’s fucking hard to be a parent. But do you know what it’s like to watch people bitch about the little miracles who act JUST LIKE THEIR PARENTS?! It’s frustrating, ugly and rude. Love your stupid brats. Just love them because one day they will change your diapers and you should appreciate that more.

2. People who talk on the phone at the checkout counter. You are rude. You are so very rude. It’s a tiny thing to hang up for a few minutes while you go through the register, just do it. People who work that register don’t want to hear about your fuck buddy, your yeast infection or whatever other personal story you’re telling your best friend when you’re in line. Yes, I’ve actually heard both of those this year.

3. People who break the rules/law and then bitch about getting in trouble for breaking the rules/law. If you don’t want to be punished for breaking the rules, don’t break them. End of story. Don’t want a speeding ticket? Don’t speed. Don’t want to go to jail? Don’t sell drugs. Don’t want to get fired? Don’t break the rules in the handbook I know every place of employment has and which you promised to abide by on your first day. I’m in HR, don’t question this.

4. People who get away with breaking the rules. I can’t even start on this one. It’s so unfair.

5. People who have no money to do anything except for sit at home and smoke weed/drink yet they bitch about being broke. Hello? I think I know why you’re broke. Stop bitching about being broke.

6. Multilevel marketing parties (like 31, Passion Parties, Jamberry nails, etc). I fucking hate them. All of them. No, it’s not an opportunity to get together with my friends, it’s an opportunity for me to disappoint my friends. No thanks.

7. Spelling and gramatical errors on public documents. If you’re going to post a sign (on paper or otherwise) please double and triple check what it says. When a little girl asks you what an “apply pie” is because you couldn’t write “apple pie” instead of trying to be cute, don’t get mad at her. I also “h8 peeps who tots use txt” as language. Use ENGLISH.

8. People who post 10,000 picture of their kid every fucking day. I don’t care if they look different in every picture. Choose one or two. I don’t have time on my news feed to look at all those fucking pictures.

9. Ignorant folks who don’t understand that it isn’t the 1950’s. There are still huge racial issues in 2014. There are corrupt people in the world, some of them are even law makers or police officers. Gay people are not going to turn your children gay. They are not planning on raping you. There is such a thing as “white privilege” You don’t know what it is because you’ve always had it. Ask your friends who are not white about it. You don’t have any? Hmmmm…..

10. People who think weed is addictive or will kill you. HA. (However using it is a habit, and habits can be hard to break, but that’s not the same as addiction.)

11. People who think prescription drugs are healthier than natural cures, especially weed. HA!

12. People who think it’s “christian” to use the Bible as a weapon. Are you fucking kidding me?! God said “Love thy neighbor.” That includes the neighbors who sin because “all fall short of the glory of God” and “the wages of sin is death”… so basically we’re all sinners, we’re all going to die, so love one another. Yes, those are all Bible quotes.

13. People who think tattooed people are going to Hell. Really? Tell me your logic and I will fuck it up.

14. People who think women shouldn’t do something. For example, people who think we shouldn’t have a woman president, women shouldn’t ask men to marry them, women shouldn’t work outside of the home, women shouldn’t play hockey, women shouldn’t be in business… Christ.

15. People who think feminists are all lesbians (or man-haters). Are you serious? Anyone who believes that women should have the same rights as men is a feminist. Period. Men can be feminists in the same way that straight people can support equal marriage rights. All women should be feminists, at least in some small way. Not all feminists feel the same way about everything.

16. People whose lives appear to be so put together and perfect. Really? Do you have any flaws? Your stupid cutsie matching outfits with your perfect husband and your perfectly curled hair and your perfect fucking house. It makes me want to drive there and cut up all your throw pillows on your perfectly made bed.

17. People who don’t answer phone calls but text the next second. Also people who call and then when I call them back don’t answer. Are you serious?!

18. People who think they are better than other people. Yes, it drives me crazy when people do these things, but that doesn’t make me any more fucked up than anyone else. Please, we’re all human, we all make mistakes.

19. People who yell at me for driving the speed limit because it impedes their speeding. Bitch, I just saved you from a ticket and you’re yelling at me?! You want me to pull over so you can yell some more? Seriously. No.

20. People who are entitled. Nope, sorry. You didn’t earn anything by being born other than human rights. So unless it’s human rights-related, no. You didn’t earn the new iPhone or a job. You don’t deserve a free meal because you ordered a speciality entre and they made a mistake. Give it a rest.

What are some of your grievances? I’d love to hear what drove you mad over the past 12 months!

Hello Readers!

I feel like lately I do all the talking. I wanted to tell you all that I’m honored to have you all reading my words, and I hope that you enjoy what I write. No, I’m not perfect. God I’m so screwed up sometimes, and sometimes what comes out of my mouth or things I type on this screen comes out all kinds of wrong! But it comes from the heart, my heart! And I write it mostly so that I can get it out of my head and so that it can be shared and not kept to myself.

I have 33 followers! I’m thrilled! When I started writing a blog I thought “There’s no fucking way anyone will read this garbage” so thanks! I don’t know how you ended up here. Maybe you made a wrong turn and thought “Hey this girl seems like she has her shit together”… if so, you are oh so wrong. However, I do have a knack for writing what I feel. I’m the queen of over sharing with my feelings! I’m the queen of insightful writing that comes from a lot of pain and suffering, a lot of hard lessons learned and a lot of time sitting around with my own thoughts wondering why I’m so weird and everyone else seems so normal!

I’m not everyone else, but that’s why you’re reading this. It’s not some boring garbage like normal bloggers would write. I mean, come on, who sits around and is so impressed by 33 followers?! I DO! I love it!

So to those of you who are following me and reading what I write, thanks!

To those of you only following this because I wrote one post you liked and I haven’t lived up to what you thought it would be, I’ll try harder.

And to those of you who are only following because you enjoy seeing me in pain or upset, yeah you’ll have to keep waiting a bit more.

I hope you enjoy what I write, and if not, you’re not emailing me or commenting, so I have no idea. (That makes it YOUR problem and not mine!)

If you like it, please comment or contact me. I’d love to hear from you!

A Little bit of Happy

It’s been brought to my attention that lately my blog has been reflective, but doesn’t accurately describe the happiness which is currently in my life. For that reason, I would like to share with you a little bit of happy.

I’m so blessed to have in my life a man who makes me so happy. Last night my best friend and I were sitting around talking, and I could not get him out of my head! Now I’ve known this girl since I was 4 years old, and she hears close to everything about the people I date, my work, everything. She’s one my my best friends and she knows me so well. But she has never heard me talk about anyone the way I talk about this guy.

The best part about the guy I’m seeing is all the small things. He doesn’t buy me flowers or take me on expensive dates, but when he spends time with me I feel like the luckiest girl alive. I’ve never wanted any of those things anyway. All I’ve ever wanted is someone who let me know just how awesome he thinks I am and how lucky he is to have me around. This guy did it last weekend in 5 words:

“Thank you for being mine”

How can 5 words make me so happy?! I’ve dated lots of guys, and they all had one problem. They were all fatally flawed and doomed to fail. But this guy has me feeling like I’m living a romantic comedy movie. I feel like this may finally be my happy ending and the credits may roll at any moment instead of a star-crossed lover waiting for the end of the relationship. I’m totally twitterpated and it’s thrilling and oh-so-scary all at the same time.

The biggest reason I feel this way is that I’m always my complete and unadulterated self with him. Never have I pretended to like something which I truly don’t. Never have I had to make excuses or little white lies about how I feel about something. Everything I say to him comes with complete acceptance. Every strange thing I do is just how I am, who I am and what I’ve experienced that makes me uniquely me. I don’t have to wear a mask, I can just be 100% Jodi (which can be scary to others, I know that) and he enjoys every minute of it.

This weekend I went to spend some time with him. We had dinner and then went to see a movie. It was no big deal. It wasn’t tickets to the opera or five star dining. It was great food and a movie that I wasn’t all that into, but I got to sit in a dark theater for 3 hours holding his hand and being next to him. When I was cold during the movie, he gave me his coat so I could stay warm. He let me hold his arm as we walked down the street on the way to his apartment from the movie. Nothing that was a big deal to most people, but to me it was the most precious gift to be able to spend time with him because with him everything means so much more.

Just being close to him is a big deal because I know he has other things he could be doing. He has hobbies and friends. He works a lot. He has a lot of responsibilities at work, and I can understand that sometimes it’s hard to pull himself away from things he needs to get done at work, but he does it for me. He makes time to see me even though we live a good distance apart.

And in the back of my head there’s starting to exist this thought I’m not quite sure about committing to yet. That pesky thought that I may be falling for this guy, a feeling that has really snuck up on me. What if I’m falling in love with this man? Does he feel the same way? There’s always that awkward moment when you worry that you like someone more than they like you, but I don’t feel that way. I know that he likes me exactly as much as I like him, and it’s so comforting and so reassuring to know that I am someone so special to this guy. I love it. I’m so thrilled that I am important to him. To him, I’m a huge deal and he’s just as honored to spend time with me.

So I’ve been keeping it to myself what I’ve been feeling because I’m so scared that if I utter those words out loud it will scare him away. I’m scared that if I say it, it’ll all fade away. But last night talking with my friend it all came out, and she instantly said “I knew it! You really like this guy! You’re falling for him!” and I was ok with it. It wasn’t something I didn’t already know in my own head, it was just the fact of how I felt. And now it’s public on my blog… which is even more scary because what if he reads it!? (Oh god!) But I really don’t care because I think he already knows.

He showed me where he works. Not just “this is the office building I work in”, but he gave me a full tour like a proud papa would show off a new baby. He showed me his office, and the full building, and he was proud to do it and it made him happy to share it. I was just impressed. And not just because he has so much more responsibilities than what I do (we work in the same field), but that he allowed me to see what he does when I know his job is such a huge part of his life. And he wanted to share it with me, which is a big deal!

But I’m waiting to see where this life takes me and to see what happens next, and I can’t wait. I’m anxiously awaiting our next date as the days pass. With the holidays I know I will have to be extra patient, but I’ll gladly wait as long as it takes to see him again. I hope he feels the same way about me. I hope he’s just as smitten as I am. I hope he pictures our future together. I hope he is curious to see where our path will lead together. I’m not talking marriage and I’m not talking having children, but just this life and what experiences we’ll have together. I’m so excited to see what happens next, it’s like reading a book and wanting to turn the pages extra fast so I can get onto the next page as fast as possible!

And I hope he is falling in love with me because that would just make me so happy.

Sometimes I forget to sit back and really appreciate all the happiness I have in my life, but this is definitely one bit of happiness I’m so thrilled to share with all of my friends. I have my moments where I’m sad, and where I think the world isn’t fair, but then I have moments like this which make all the suffering in my life thus far seem so far away and so worth it for what has brought me to this exact moment with this amazing guy because if I hadn’t experienced all those things, I wouldn’t have been right where I needed to be for all of these pieces to come together and for this to be my little bit of happy. Maybe it will turn into a lifetime of happy. I’m not sure yet, but I’m enjoying it for now.

What it feels like to live alone and childless during the holidays

Living alone (unmarried and dating or just plain single) really sucks around the holidays. For me it means spending time alone on one of my favorite days of the year.

When I was a child Christmas was the most magical time of the year. I’d wait longingly every year for the holiday to come and I was always ready! I was ready right after Thanksgiving if not sooner. And every year I always got what I wanted, even when it wasn’t even on my list! Now that I’m an adult, Christmas means something different.

Christmas means buying gifts. For everyone. For my horseback riding instructor, for my hair dresser, for my postal worker, for my boss and my direct reports. I always forget someone. I always feel guilty. I always spend way more than I should and I always go broke at some point during the season. It sucks.

No, I can’t go to coffee with you because I broke the bank buying you this gift. Oh? You didn’t get me anything? That’s ok. I’m doing my part to feel like a good friend. No, I understand that you need to prioritize your kids at Christmas. No big deal. I don’t need a gift anyway. #fml

Christmas means eating way too much. There’s Christmas goodies everywhere and staying away from them is HARD! I love baking. I love making my special Oreo truffles. I love making ten kinds of Christmas goodies. But who will taste-test these when I live alone?? Sad day, it has to be me. Ten pounds later I’m sorry I ever started baking.

Christmas means being alone for much of the holiday. Without having multiple holidays to attend and no kids around it means that I will spend at least at least either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day alone. This year it’s both. Hooray.

Do you know how much it sucks to spend Christmas alone? Do you realize how terrible it is to wake up on Christmas day and instead of an excited child and family members I wake to nothing? No screaming children waking me up at 5 am. No dogs barking. No meowing cats. Nothing. It’s just a normal day because I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to parent or tend to. I have literally no reason to get out of bed. So most of the time I don’t, and most of the time I spend most of the morning crying. Getting up only reminds me that I have no good reason to be out of my bed anyway.

It’s December 18th. Do you know where my Christmas tree is? In the closet. Do you know where my Elf on a Shelf is? Not on a shelf, in the box next to the tree. No stockings are hung by the chimney with care. There’s no hopes of Saint Nicholas around here. Nope. Why bother? No one comes over here. There’s no one to surprise with a thoughtful gift. There’s no mistletoe and there’s no holly or ivy. And there’s no Christmas songs.

When I had step-kids Christmas meant something because I was doing it for them. I was decorating for them. I was baking cookies with them. I was making paper snowflakes and garland with them. I was drawing pictures to mail to relatives with them. I was staying up late on Christmas eve to eat the cookies and put out the presents in their stockings. I spent hours buying and wrapping gifts I couldn’t even claim were from me. I was helping them make the memories I had from when I was a child. But when I got divorced I no longer had any kids, so the reasons to do any of this faded.

The thing is, if I had never gotten married I wouldn’t even know what I was really missing. I wouldn’t understand that wonder on kids faces. I wouldn’t understand what it’s like to play the magical elf for a fat man who doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t miss it. Only I do because I have experienced it first hand.

So here I am at thirty-something childless and hurting because I want my Christmas to be magical too! I want to have what all my friends already have and don’t even appreciate! They actually COMPLAIN about it all and it hurts more than you would believe!

I can hear them all now:

“OMG I just *know* my kids are going to wake up at 5 am on Christmas morning!”

“I’m spending so much money on gifts for my kids that I’m going broke.”

“We’re so busy going to both my husband’s/wife’s/partner’s/lover’s and my Christmas celebrations!”

“My kids are acting so crazy now that it’s getting close to Christmas!”

“I just know my parents will get the kids noisy toys for Christmas and I’ll have to listen to them all day.”

“I forgot to move the stupid elf and now my kid doesn’t think it’s real.”

“I wish I got to sleep in on Christmas day.”

No you don’t… you absolutely don’t. Because without those cherub faces you would die. Your heart would break every single holiday that came after and you would die a little bit every time someone complained about their child like it wasn’t the most precious gift in the whole entire world. The mere mention of a baby would make your uterus cramp with longing. Your arms would ache to hold your partner while you watched the kids open presents while screaming the whole time. You would not care. You would look at magazine ads featuring families and you would well up with tears. You would long to see mistletoe and have the chance to kiss someone you care about under it. Thinking of spending Christmas alone would make you sob because once you have experienced the magic of Christmas through the eyes of a child, you can never go back.

Fortunately, most people don’t experience this. There’s not too many people who have children one year and the next year they are gone. Aren’t I just the luckiest one to have experienced this twice with two different sets of kids?!….Nope. Not really, it really sucks. It sucks more and more each year because each year brings that stinging confirmation that I may never have a family. I may never have children. I may spend the rest of my life waking up on Christmas morning to nothing but the tears falling on my pillow.

The worst part is that I’m expected to never talk about this. I’m expected to suck it up and be happy for everyone out there complaining about their kids and their bills and telling me how lucky I am to be single. Asking me when I’m going to get married and have kids of my own. Do you have any freaking clue how lucky you are? Do you know what I would give to have kids of my own? I’d like to have kids of my own like YESTERDAY! Sadly most of my friends have never and will never know this cruel pain, so they don’t want to hear about it either. This only complicates things. No wonder the suicide rate more than doubles around the holidays!

But once again I will suck it up, and I will spend Christmas alone. I will make myself breakfast and wrap myself up a gift to open on Christmas morning and I will try not to think about how I feel so sad, so empty and so alone on one of my favorite days of the year, on what should be one of the happiest days of the year.

So when those of you with children are opening your gifts at 5 am on Christmas morning, I’ll be drying my tears on my pillow. Stop for a second and think about how lucky you are to have so much to be truly thankful for this holiday season.

Merry Christmas from me… just from me.

tree